Sex Work Toxic Relationships
How to spot red flags & how to get out
I’m a very transparent person. I believe in open and honest communication. This starts from the moment I meet someone and it sometimes means I scare people off quickly. And I think it’s especially important when you are dealing with another person’s feelings. If I meet someone new and there is potential there, I usually drop the bomb sooner rather than later: I am a sex worker.
It usually comes up early in the “getting to know you” question and answer stage. It’s naturally one of the very first obligatory questions. Since I happen to have a few job titles under my belt, I usually start with the tamer things and end with ” … and I’m a professional Dominatrix”. Most of the time, I get an overwhelmingly positive response. Although my instincts do tell me that this initial excitement is coming straight from their libido.
Whatever the reason, during the “get to know you better” stage, I’ll go into more detail about exactly what it is I do on the job. And oh, how the excitement drains from their face when they discover it’s not all blindfolds, rope, and sex.
During this time, I will ask them, “Is this something you think you can handle if we got serious”? About ninety percent of them say that yes, they absolutely can. But I’d guess that about eighty percent of them likely cannot. Will their pride and ego get in the way causing them to be jealous? Or will the backlash and stigma attached be hurtful? Maybe the incessant teasing and insults from their friends annoy them? And I’m going to say they likely won’t want Mom and Dad finding out. But what it it’s something more? Maybe it’s like my past partner, Officer Morality, passing cruel judgement.
I met El on FetLIfe, a kink & Fetish based community. A fetish Facebook, if you will. This made things a lot easier for me when we got talking on more than just a surface level. I told him from day one that I was a professional Dominatrix. His reaction? He said he thought it was “kinda cool”. He asked me lots of questions. And not just the typical ones that I’m usually asked, he asked me stuff no one had ever asked before.
We were getting along so well, we decided to meet. We had chemistry when we talked on the phone or Skype, but our chemistry was explosive in real life. I won’t get into the finer details but we did start dating right away. We had been dating for about a ten days and things were going good. Then I get a random text from him saying “I am sorry, you were right. I can’t handle what you do. I don’t want to see you anymore.” I was stunned, this had come out of nowhere. Regardless, I thanked him for his honesty and the respect to message me to let me know. He thanked me for being mature about it. Red flag #1.
I was disproportionately upset, but you can’t help you feel. I decided I was going to put myself out there right away and met a decent guy. We were on a date one night when the ex sent me a text. I told him I was busy but he managed to sweet-talk me into ditching my date to come see him. Red flag #2. After a bit of a conversation, we decided we wanted to work things out. A little compromise from me, a little leeway from him and we could make this happen. I started giving up a little bit here, some there, but he stayed the same. Red Flag #3. I am not lying when I say I could feel his eyes burning into a hole into me from above. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that the resentment started a slow boil in me.
We dated for a little over 4 months. And there was not a single day that went by that
we did not fight over what my career choice was or what my end goals were. Red flag #4. I did care enough about the guy to make some compromise, but it was never good enough. He’d invite me over and when I declined due to work, he would tell me to come work at his place. The times I did go, he got mad at me for, well, doing work. I would try to have adult conversations with him, to no avail.
I’d say to him “Babe, what happened to the compromise and leeway? What if I had a traditional job 9 to 5 job? I couldn’t just come over to your place to work.” His response, “But you work all the time. You work too much”. Red flag #5
He started each day by reminding me that he didn’t completely trust me. Red flag #6 . His insults became slightly more insidious, a bit more rude, and a lot more demeaning, even becoming vulgar at times. What I did wasn’t work, it was dirty money and I was too lazy to get a real job. Red flag #7
He made every attempt to try make me feel ashamed about myself and worthless, especially in the last few weeks we were together. He would make utterance such as “You’re so much better than this.” or “What are you doing to your life?” or “No sane man is ever going to marry someone like you”. Red flags 8 & 9 . Everything just got progressively worse until it culminated. the final nail in the coffin? It was Red flag #10: he called me a piece of garbage.
There it was, the bottom line. This relationship wasn’t working out and it was never going to work out because he had no respect for me on any level. He thought I was nothing more than trash. A relationship that doesn’t help you, support you, or is straight up toxic to you needs to end. Anyway you look at it, if there is no respect than there is nothing.
- He told me he couldn’t handle my chosen profession.
- Manipulating me and situations to benefit him.
- I did all the comprising, despite agreeing to both compromise.
- Constantly picking fights, especially over my life choices.
- Trying to make me feel guilty for working.
- Explicitly did not trust me.
- Insulting towards me and resorted to name calling.
- Always trying to make me ashamed and worthless.
- Trying to force me into feeling remorse.
- Told me exactly what he thought of me: I was trash.
If a potential partner cautions you ahead of time that they are not okay with your job, then it’s probably best to count your losses, if there were any to begin with, and move on. If you see any red flags at all in the start of a new relationship, unless you are willing to stop your job immediately for them, it’s best to go quietly into the night. Don’t wait until it reaches red flag number ten like I did.
You are worthy and deserving of love from a supportive and non-judgemental partner, always remember that. Being alone is better than having to face stigma and judgement from the one person who should support you the most. You are good enough as you are and you should patiently wait for that person who gets you. The one who will accept and love you for you, despite of your sexy career choice.
Peace, Love, & a Hard Cock