Spotting red flags of a toxic partner & how to get out
I’m a very transparent person. I believe in open and honest communication. This starts from the moment I meet someone and sometimes, it means I scare people off. But, I think it’s especially important to be open when you are dealing with another person’s feelings. If I meet someone new and there is potential there, I usually drop the bomb sooner rather than later: I am a sex worker.
“So, What Do You Do?”
It’s naturally one of the very first questions people ask when meeting or getting to know someone. Since I happen to have a few job titles, I usually start with the tamer things “I’m a writer…” and end with the more risqué “… and I’m a professional dominatrix”. I get an overwhelmingly positive response. I do believe this initial excitement is coming straight from their libido, though. As we get to know each other better, I’ll go into more detail about exactly what it is I do on the job. And oh! how the excitement drains when they discover it’s not all blindfolds & sex.
I ask, “Is this something you can handle?” 90% of them say yes, they could. But I’d say 80% likely can’t. Pride & ego can get in the way. Maybe there will be jealousy. Teasing or insults from friends can get annoying. And, I’m going to say they won’t want Mom and Dad knowing the finer details. Because of stigma attached, backlash from friends and family may be hurtful and prove too much to handle. These are all legitimate concerns. But what if it’s something more? What if it’s like my ex, Sergeant Major Morality? I spent months torturing myself and he proved himself toxic to my well-being. The sad thing is, he forewarned me. Read on to hear my sob story, where I can now pinpoint each red flag as they appeared.
I met El on FetLIfe, a fetish Facebook, if you will. This made it a lot easier when we started talking beyond a superficial level. Day one I told him I was a professional dominatrix. His reaction? It was “kinda cool”. He asked me more than just the typical questions, too. Things no one previously had asked.
Our chemistry was explosive when we met and began dating right away. Things were going along great. Until the night I got a text, “I am sorry, you were right. I can’t handle what you do and don’t want to see you anymore.” I was stunned, seemingly coming out of nowhere. Regardless, I thanked him for his honesty and respect of letting me know. He thanked me for being mature about it. Red flag #1.
The Rollercoaster Begins
I was disproportionately upset. Really, you can’t help you feel but I decided to move on right away. I was out on a date one night when Sergeant Morality sent a text. He managed to sweet-talk me into ditching my date to go see him. Red flag #2. After a bit of a conversation, we decided that some compromise from me, some leeway from him… we could make this work.
So, I started giving up a little bit here and a little bit there. He stayed the same. Red Flag #3. I could feel his eyes burning a hole into me from his moral position above me. I would be lying if I didn’t say that the resentment started to slowly boil in me.
We dated for a little over 4 months, where there was not a day that came and went without a fight about what I did… Red flag #4. No matter my compromise, it was never good enough. If I decline an invite due to work, he would tell me to come work at his place. The times I would work at his place, he got mad at me for… well, for working. I would try to have a mature conversation with him, to no avail.
“Babe, what happened to the compromise and leeway? What if I had a traditional job 9 to 5 job? I have to work.” His response, “But you work all the time. You work too much”. Red flag #5.
He started each interaction by reminding me that he didn’t trust me. Red flag #6. His insults became slightly ruder, a bit more insidious, and a lot more demeaning. What I did wasn’t work, I was too lazy to get a real job, and it was dirty money. Red flag #7.
He took every opportunity to try to make me feel ashamed and worthless about myself, especially in the last few weeks we were together. He would say, “You’re so much better than this”, “What are you doing to your life?”, “No sane man is ever going to marry someone like you” or “And you want to have children? What kind of mother will you be?” Red flags 8 & 9. Everything just got progressively worse until it culminated into something big. The final nail in the coffin? It was Red flag #10: he called me a piece of garbage.
There it was, the bottom line. This relationship wasn’t ever going to work out. He had zero respect for me. He thought I was trash. A relationship that doesn’t help you, support you, or is straight up toxic for you needs to end.
- He told me he couldn’t handle my chosen profession.
- Manipulated me and situations to benefit him.
- Despite both agreeing to, only I compromised.
- Constantly picked fights, especially over my life choices.
- Used guilt to keep me from working.
- Told me there was no trust.
- Insulted me and resorted to name calling.
- Tried to make me feel worthless.
- Tried to force me into feeling remorse.
- Told me exactly what he thought of me: I was trash.
If a potential partner cautions you ahead of time that they are not okay with your job or not going to respect you, then it’s probably best to count your losses (if there were any to begin with) and move on. If you see any red flags in the start of a new relationship, unless you are willing to stop what you do immediately for them, it’s best to go quietly into the night. Don’t wait until it reaches red flag number 10 like I did.
You are worthy and deserving of love from a supportive and non-judgemental partner, always remember that. Being alone is better than having to face judgement from the one person who should support you the most. You are good enough as you are and you should patiently wait for that person who gets you. The one who will accept and love you for you, despite of your sexy career choice.
Do you have a story of a toxic relationship? What were some of the red flags? What did you do to remove yourself from the situation? Let me know!
Peace, Love, & a Hard Cock